TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional put the place American men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Anyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to end employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD may have switch-down services."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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